Catch Me If You Can

[monologue] 

I probably come off as a bit of an asshole to some girls. You can kind of tell. It’s the look they give you in the days or weeks after a hookup when they’re feeling weird. I guess they’re waiting for the next step, like me saying “I DON’T want to do this again” or me saying “I DO want to do this and this is a relationship” and... I just don’t say anything? I don’t have to. 

I’m not opposed to a relationship but there’s nothing that’s made me think, “Wow, I need this” you know? In my perfect world, everyone would be on the same page, but it’s hard when females overthink so much. 

Like texting. Oh my god I hate texting. There’s so much more to a person than a text message: facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice... how is ALL that action, ALL that energy channeled into a text? 

Especially with someone I don’t know that well… What does not texting back for 3 hours mean...? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! What do I mean when I ask, “Are you going out tonight?” PROBABLY FUCKIN’ IF YOU’RE GOING OUT TONIGHT. What does it mean if I don’t text you at all? PROBABLY DIDN’T WANT TO TEXT YOU. And you can just tell that SO much time goes into it... like which emojis mean I’m not interested and which ones mean I want to have sex? 

All that stupid, trivial stuff. 

The main thing is that you have to be an engaging and interesting enough person to keep my attention – which kind of makes me sound like a dick but... you have to keep my attention, because it sometimes can just -poof-. And it’s over there. Oh, look, a butterfly! This doesn’t mean girls have to laugh at every joke or giggle at everything, but like they should be able to actually stay with me in conversation, laugh accordingly, you know, bant 

So I don’t dig the whole cold thing. You know the “I’m playing hard to get by acting uninterested” kind of thing. There’s also the whole 

leaving-and-talking-to-another-guy-to-make-me-jealous thing which, to me, is a Colgate party in a nutshell. 

But that’s just how some girls are. 

As a freshman male I’ve also had the experience where I talk or dance with a girl, she asks what my year is, I say “freshman” and... snap, it’s like a light switch. I’ve come to understand and expect it – it’s just a part of the food chain – but it’s nice when that doesn’t happen. 

There’s actually this cute older girl who I’ve been hooking up with for awhile. She doesn’t drink much and I’m usually a bit inebriated… My friends think it’s funny, I think it’s funny, if the roles were reversed – if I was the one always sober and she was always drunk – it would look COMPLETELY different. 

I’ve had the option to text her and meet up sober but... I don’t. Cuz I would say that sober hookups constitute a deeper commitment and I don’t want to promise that. She just doesn’t get me. Or fulfill me, I guess. 

I’m only 19: I have a lot of time ahead of me, I’m open and happy with where I am sexually, I’m very confident in who I am and who I’m going to become. I don’t worry about turning into some dreadful, immoral, sex-driven bro. 

Because when it comes down to it, it’s just sex.

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Written by unknown, found in the 2020 script