You Can Use This As A Manual

(A Guide To Hooking Up At Colgate From One Girl To Another On How To Have The Most Fun And The Least Disappointment) 

[monologue] 

It’s a conversation I always have with my friends. If you were a fly on the wall in our sorority, we’re always talking about either vaginas or guys. 

Hooking up at at this school can be a lot of fun. If you do it right. Here are some general rules I’ve figured out over the years. 

First of all: stop looking for a boyfriend 

A lot of girls here are looking for guys that will date them. 

Stop it. 

Things will turn out poorly and you will be sad. 

Second: understand that what we do at Colgate is not normal 

This is how bases work around here: 

First base is sleeping together. 

Second base is breakfast. 

Third base is dinner. 

And fourth base is walking across the quad or Broad Street holding hands. 

I told that to the guy I’m hooking up with now. I was teasing him like “Do you think we can go to second base? Like… can we get breakfast?” and he’s like “I dunno, it’s too much of a commitment”. He was joking around but really?! Breakfast in the morning is too much of a commitment?! You’re having sex with me every day, I think I deserve coffee. 

Third: know how far you want to go and when 

Especially as a freshman, you never know what other people are doing and what’s “acceptable”: am I supposed to sleep with a guy if I go home with him? If I hook up with an older guy will he expect sex? 

Bottom line: you should do what you want cuz you have no idea what he’s expecting. If I want to have sex, I do. If I don’t want to have sex, I don’t. If that’s not ok with him, too bad. 

Fourth: expect respect 

Here are some signs: 

If he just leaves in the morning, doesn’t text me or doesn’t try to initiate sober conversation, maybe I’ll drunkenly make out with him again but I’m likely to have sex. 

But if he’s really nice in the morning, gets my number, texts me, we meet up the next day, or hang out sober, that bodes well with me. I feel like I’m being treated as a person and not a slam piece. 

Fifth: make sure the sex is good for you and not just for him 

At first, it can be hard to say cuz you don’t want to hurt his pride. But it’s really all about phrasing it the right way. Normally, if he IS doing something right I give verbal cues – you know, some sounds of approval. But if it was for me, or if he finishes and I don’t I’ll be like “oh, I was 

really close… I was almost there…”. Translation: don’t feel bad about yourself it was fine but… not quite. He’ll usually get the hint and the conversation naturally comes up. 

Sixth: communication 

Communication is big. You could be looking for totally different things and not even know it. One person could be like “YES FINALLY, I’ve had a crush on you forever” and the other person could be like “what’s your name again?” You never know unless you talk. 

Seventh: having good self-esteem is about perspective 

There’s this mentality that if you don’t hook up with someone, the night is a failure. If you have BAD self-esteem you’ll think “I’m not hot, no one wants to hook up with me”. 

If you have GOOD self-esteem you’ll think “there is no one on this campus who I want to hook up with tonight”. 

Even when you DO hook up, guys can be assholes. There’s this younger guy I drunkenly hooked up with. Three times I hooked up with him. Three times he ignored my existence the next day. After the third time I’m like “note to black out self: never hook up with him again”. Three strikes and you’re out. 

It’s exactly what’s wrong with frat boys here: he’s younger, he’s not hot, and he’s acting like this. It’s so messed up! But instead of taking it personally, I took it as: there’s something wrong with him, not something wrong with me. See? Perspective. 

Eighth: I understand this advice might not be relevant to everyone 

I’m straight and in a sorority. I talk about frat culture because that’s my social circle. In fact, I think I’ve only hooked up with guys in frats or some sort of male… organization. 

In these circles, guys definitely have the upper hand. 

But frats themselves aren’t the problem, a lot of the double standard exists because it’s institutionalized. Let’s be honest, our campus is still very male-dominated. Look at our administration, look at our board of trustees, look at who has the power and who has the final say at this school. Look at where the money is. 

Girls need to have more power. 

Which brings me to my final point: GIRLS. Be nice to each other. 

We can take back some of that power if we stop calling each other sluts, skanks, and easy. Sometimes we judge each other harder than men do. That’s not helpful. 

Really. Stop calling each other sluts. 

It takes a certain kind of person who can navigate the hook up scene at this school. 

It took me a while but I finally figured it out. I finally got it right. No more games. People can think what they want. 

Good luck.

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Written by unknown, found in the 2016 script