Catch Me If You Can

[monologue] 

I must’ve come off as a bit of an asshole to some girls. You can kind of tell. It’s the look they give you in the days or weeks after a hook up when they’re feeling unsure. I guess they’re waiting for the next step, like me saying “I DON’T want to do this anymore” or me saying “I DO want to do this and this is a relationship” and… I just wouldn’t say anything? Saw it as more casual? 

I’m not opposed to a relationship but there’s nothing that’s made me “wow, I want that” you know? In my perfect world everyone would be on the same page, but it’s hard when people overthink so much. 

Like texting. Oh my god I hate texting. There’s so much more to a person than a text message: facial expressions, and minute changes in body language, and tone of voice… how is ALL that social action, ALL that energy meant for reading a person channeled into reading a text? 

Especially with someone I don’t know that well? …what does not texting back for 3 hours mean…? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! What do I mean when I ask “are you going out tonight?” PROBABLY FUCKIN’ IF YOU’RE GOING OUT TONIGHT. What does it mean if I don’t text you at all? PROBABLY DIDN’T WANT TO TEXT YOU. And you can just tell that SO much energy goes into it… like which smiley faces mean I’m having a good day and which ones mean I want to have sex? 

All that stupid trivial stuff. 

The main thing is that you have to be an engaging and interesting enough person to keep my attention – which kind of makes me sound like a dick but… you have to keep my attention, because it sometimes can just ) flit. And it’s over there. Oh look a butterfly! That doesn’t mean laughing at every joke or giggling at everything, but like actually staying with me during a conversation, laughing accordingly, giving feedback, you know, having a report. 

So I don’t dig the whole cold thing. You know the “I’m playing hard to get by acting uninterested” kind of thing. There’s also the whole 

leaving-and-going-away-to-make-me-jealous-by-talking-to-another-guy thing which, to me, is the Jug in a nutshell. 

But that’s just how some people roll. 

As a freshman male I’ve also had the interesting experience where I talk or dance with a girl, she asks what my year is, I say “freshman” and… poof, it’s like a light switch goes off. I’ve come to understand and expect it – it’s just a part of the food chain – but it’s nice when that doesn’t happen. 

There’s actually this cute older girl who I’ve been hooking up with for a while. She doesn’t drink much and I’m usually a little inebriated from one thing or another… My friends think it’s funny, I think it’s funny, if the roles were reversed – if I was the one always sober and she was always drunk – it would look COMPLETELY different. 

I’ve had the option to text her and meet up sober but… I don’t. Cuz I would say that sober hook ups constitute a deeper commitment and I don’t want to make that commitment towards her. She just doesn’t catch me. Or fulfill me, I guess. 

I’m only 19: I have a lot of time ahead of me, I’m open and happy with where I am sexually, I’m very confident in who I am and who I’m going to become. I don’t worry about turning into some dreadful, immoral, sex-driven bro. 

Because when it comes down to it, it’s just sex.

---

Written by unknown, found in the 2016 script