Dick-tations & Teste-monials

[conversation among 3 characters]

1: if it could talk it would say “yo what’s up dawg”. It’s happy – never gets out of line.

2: he controls himself but I control the zipper, know what I mean? He’d probably say something like “let me out more”

3: maybe “get at me?” Mine’s a cocky son of a bitch, pun intended. Ever since eighth grade when I found out what the average size was I was like “yeeeeah” I was pretty happy about that. Showed it off to my friends and stuff. It’s a symbol of my masculinity to some extent.

2: oh I would do all this weird stuff with it. Measure it, look at it, play around with it. The first time I got an erection I thought it was a bad thing. I was kissing this girl and “OH HELLO!” I thought it was an embarrassing reaction – which it sometimes still is…

1: …like if it’s with an aunt.

2: yeah…

3: if mine could travel somewhere it would go to Spain

1: …or to a vagina. Or into your heart

2: mine would go to India. Not sure why cuz it’s really hot there… maybe if I wore some breathable underwear? Otherwise it’s kind of a watch TV all day kind of guy.

1: end of the day it comes with me everywhere – I can’t go anywhere without it. It goes with me to the gym, it goes to the sauna, it gets its sweat on, it goes out drinking, it has to pee a lot… It’s super important to my day.

2: if it could listen to music it would listen to smooth jazz

3: gangster rap for sure. Tupac and Biggie. Yup.

1: electronic dance music. It’s always ready to have a party.

3: it doesn’t have a name but I’d like to think it would be something noble and proud. Confident yet understanding. Wise but not in the old sense

1: if it could wear an article of clothing it would wear a beanie. Or a tank top and bathing suit. He’s just chillin’.

2: mine would wear a helmet and nothing else. No I change my mind. I think he’d wear a helmet and a lot of sex toys: things that vibrate, things that pulse, warm things, slippery things. Yeah. Like a soldier but instead of grenades and ammo it would have sex toys in its battle vest. The world would be so much better. Instead of throwing a grenade, throw a dildo.

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Written by unknown, found in the 2016 script