Dicktations and Vagographies

[odd numbers on one side, even numbers on the other side] 

1: If he could talk he would say, “Ayyyy” He’s happy – always has his head held high. 

2: If she could talk she would probably say something like, “Pay more attention to me, uncross your legs, take off these clothes, feed me, STOP IGNORING ME!” 

5: He controls himself but I control the zipper, you know what I mean? He’d probably say something like, “Why don’t you let me out more? Can we hang out tonight?” 

4: I love her, she’s wonderful. I check in with her almost daily. Sometimes she just needs a good scratch. 

3: The first time I got hard I thought it was a bad thing. I was kissing this girl and uhhhh… well yeah, you get the picture. I thought it was an embarrassing reaction – which it sometimes still is... 

6: I’d say we’re still getting to know each other. Maybe distant cousins? 3: ...Like if it’s with my aunt Kathy. 

2: If it could travel it would want to go somewhere near the 

ocean. 

1: If mine could travel somewhere it would go to 

Spain. 

4: Definitely India to learn the Kama Sutra. 

3: One of those nude beaches in Europe where he can roam free. 6: Uh I don’t know. Somewhere tropical... Foreign. 

5: Far away, distant and exotic... (pause) 

5 and 6: (stated like it’s the perfect answer) Florida. 

2: If it could listen to music it would listen to smoooooth jazz. Or maybe girl groups. (Counting on fingers) TLC, Destiny’s Child, Pussycat Dolls… 

3: Mine’s a cocky son of a bitch… 

2 and 3: (without hesitation) Pun intended. 

1: Hmm, if it could listen to music… I think hip-hop. 

6: Electronic dance music. She’s always ready to party. 

5: Uh... EDM? 

4: Boo-time music for sure. Like R&B. You know, baby-making music. A little bow chika wow wow. 

1: The notorious B.I.G. (winks at audience). 

6: Before I discovered lube, mine would probably say something about not liking sex very much. 

3: Ever since eighth grade when I found out the average size was about 5 inches I was like (looking down and counting fingers, then looking up) “Yeeeeah.” 

4: Lube is a gift from god. Seriously. Mine would say a lot of dirty things, and do dirty things. She’s a lot more kinky than I am. I’m very reserved. 

5: Nahh, you gotta measure it in centimeters. I mean, every little bit counts, right? 

2: It doesn’t have a name but I’d like to think it would be something noble and proud. Confident yet understanding. Wise but not in the old sense. 

1: (grinning) His name is Richard. 

6: I like the fuzziness of mine. You know how men stick their hands in their pants all the time? I do too. Sometimes it leaps, or twinges, and it’s such a funny, secret moment I have with myself. (pause, looking embarrassed) … Well, it used to be secret. 

4: Mine kind of likes being clean-shaven. Or waxed. It makes her feel good. 

2: There’s so much maintenance involved! Do I keep it? Do I wax it all off? Is it clean? Does it look nice? Does it smell fine? Am I going to get a UTI? Is my period on time? Ahhh! 

5: No, I’ve never trimmed down there. 

1: Nope. 

3: What? No, why would I do that? 

6: At some point, I just decided I wasn’t going to have sex with people who weren’t comfortable with at least a little hair. I don’t want to go completely bare, I feel like I look like a 5-year-old. 

1: End of the day it comes with me everywhere – To the gym, to the sauna, it gets its sweat on, it goes out drinking, it has to pee a lot... It’s like super important to my day. 

2: Oh yeah, I pretty much don’t do anything without consulting her first. 

5: If it could wear an article of clothing it would wear a beanie. Or a tank top and bathing suit. Not a Speedo though. He’s just chillin’. 

6: She would wear a t-shirt and jeans that fit her perfectly. 

1: (thoughtfully) I mean mine’s kinda already wearing a turtleneck. 

4: She’s aggressive. Really aggressive. Sometimes she’s like “Come on, it’s go time” and I’m like “Whoa calm down, I have work to do tonight.” 

3: Mine would wear a helmet and nothing else. No, I change my mind. I think he’d wear a helmet and carry a lot of sex toys: things that vibrate, things that pulse, warm things, slippery things. Yeah. Like G.I. Joe, but instead of grenades and ammo it would have sex toys in its battle vest. The world would be so much better. Instead of throwing a grenade, throw a butt plug. 

2: For some reason having hair down there makes me shy. It keeps me reined in. I’m not sure why. I used to be shy about my nipples, too. I guess no one’s nipples are conventional but mine are a little different. I have a nipple ring on one and two hairs on the other one – Does anyone else have that? – It’s really strange. I’m not sure why they’re there … But I think they’re kind of cool, ‘cause no matter how much I pluck them they keep growing back. So I see them as resilient, like myself.

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Written by unknown, found in the 2020 script