Get Your Nut

[dialogue between two friends] 

1. (showing phone screen to friend) Look at this dude. “6’1’’ as if height is a personality trait. Same energy as “give me a reason to delete this app” ew 

2. Girl, height is a personality trait (showing phone screen to friend) Look at this dude “you won’t know my music” Bitchhh your top Spotify artist is J. Cole 

1. Men are so… (scrolls for a couple of seconds) Should I swipe on him? He seems like he might not be… horrible? (shows friend a new person) He’s like… muscular, but not too muscular. 

2. I matched with him last semester. Never had spoken a word to him. His first message was “come over.” To his dorm. At 1 am. Like I don’t do that shit… even for an athlete. 

1. (looking at own phone and pointing) “Wyd tonight” laugh not you. I like that though. Don’t fucking talk to me just come over. In and out (winks) 

2. Dude, how do you even do that? 

1. I just say, “Hi, let’s hang out” and then we do. Easy. But then it goes to shit when they like come up to a party and are in your face like, “We matched on Tinder.” Yeah, I match with everybody on Tinder? I’m out with my friends please hop off my dick—I’m definitely not going to hop on yours. Schedule an appointment, thank you. 

2. Were you ever at sleepovers when you were like 12 and you went on that website Omegle (o-meg-lay)— 

1. (interrupting) Omegle (o-meg-ull) 

2. (continuing) Yeah, yeah, and clicking through different middle-aged men jacking off until you find a cute boy alone or with his friends. That was easy. No back and forth, “should we meet up” bullshit. Just like messing around. 

1. (laugh) Pervert. Don’t you want your nut though? 

2. (waving phone) I don’t get my nut even when I hook up with one of these guys. 1. Bitch, get your nut! 

2. I think I’m more attracted to profiles than the actual men. I would rather just swipe and swipe. Meet someone organically later in life… 

2. Nothing is more organic than fucking a guy from the internet.

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Written by unknown, found in the 2020 script