It's Complicated

[introduction of entire cast] 

1: How do I understand sex? Somebody recently told me that your 70’s is the peak of your sex life. I think that’s what they said. Don’t quote me on that. But when I heard it I was like, yeah ok I mean… they’ve had a lot of experience. I imagine two very frail old 

people, and it seems like the sex they’re having would be very different from the sex they’d have if they were our age, ya know? 

2: Oh, oh, once I got sent to a school counselor for making too many sex jokes… I was in 5th grade. 

3: Every time I go to a wedding, I think about how they’re losing their virginities that night… or at least they should be. 

4: I didn’t learn much about blow jobs and fingering and all that stuff with the first person I was with. But I did learn about touch. Like kissing, and brushing hair off faces, and holding hands. I’ve never had sex. To some people I’m sure sex is the epitome of intimacy. But maybe not. To me intimacy is just… touch. 

5: I wonder how often my parents have had sex. 

6: One time I was playing Pictionary with my family and my mom told me a story about putting googly eyes on my dad’s dick. I think about that every day… and now you all will too. 

7: My experience? I mean I’ve had histories with some questionable characters. Like, for some reason I seem to be drawn to drug dealers. I’ve literally dated at least 3 drug dealers. 

8: I really wanna marry a Jewish guy. I think they’re so hot. 

9: I think pleasure is taking the time to enjoy something that you really really like. I like olives. So I will spend money and get them at a nice place in a fancy jar. Sometimes I’ll eat a ton at once and feel really sick, but other times I’ll take it slow and just... savor the olive. 

10: I usually go for girls shorter than I am. I dunno if that’s my type or if girls are generally just shorter... 

11: Tall guys are just so hot. As long as they’re tall, they can’t be ugly to me. Then again, pretty much every guy is taller than me. 

12: Straight people are so obsessed with height I really don’t get it. 

13: How do I define pleasure? I feel like dry humping is a thing. A teenage angsty thing. But a thing… or at least I hope it is. Is it weird to like dry humping? 

14: I mean, it’s fluid and ever-changing. So like... ask! Ask me if I like this or would be into trying that. Pleasure is the freedom to change things up. The ability to try new things. 

15: I like trying new things. I ate this really fat caterpillar that was kind of squirmy. We cooked it over the fire. It tasted like bacon. I also ate a beetle. Tasted like pistachios… Sorry, what was the question? 

16: Am I finding satisfaction? Good question. Maybe I'm dissatisfied with inconsistency. At the same time, commitment petrifies me. How am I supposed to take care of someone else when I still have to wake up everyday and make sure I'm good?? Does a relationship guarantee self-sacrifice? I'm still trying to figure this out myself!!!! 

17: I saw a fleshlight on the academic quad last semester… How do you lose a fleshlight? Why was it up there? 

18: My physical type? PURE superficial looks? 6’3” or 6’4”... brown hair... gorgeous eyes... broad shoulders and... an ass that you can just GRAB. He’s not like a super gorilla but he’s also not a super twig. I like a little bit of muscle and... ugh just play with my hair. Maybe he’ll have an accent. Or a really husky voice that just makes your skin crawl. He’ll have scruff. And we’ll go kayaking together. 

19: I dropped my fleshlight on the academic quad last semester. It fell out of my duffle, so I panicked and just… ran away. 

20: Asking for consent for some reason feels more vulnerable than just doing something with someone. Of course I want to get consent, but sometimes I just want a girl to kiss me. 

21: Maybe what I was curious about ended up being sensory overload, but I’m still glad I tried it. You gotta be willing to try new things -- attempt new feats on your own, or with another person. But you gotta communicate. 

22: Have I ever been in love? … No. Well… yeah no. 

23: Oh definitely. I’ve been in love. It fucking sucks. 

24: How’s sex at Colgate? I mean it’s awful. I don’t have a single girlfriend here who hasn’t been harassed or violated in some way. 

But it can also be great, even hilarious. Like that one time when I asked a guy to tie me to the bed and he absolutely couldn't. Sex means going so hard your tapestry, your pillows, and your mattress are all on the floor by the end. It means make outs so bad I thought my face was being swallowed by a fish. It means waking up to a roommate hooking up in the bed across from you. 

I guess it’s just… complicated.

---

Written by unknown, found in the 2020 script