Los Conquistadores

[monologue] 

It’s actually just that we love the shit outta each other. There is no line, honestly. We shave each other’s necks, we have YMCA style showers… As homoerotic as you can imagine is how we live. There’s a lotta hugging. 

So if you’re in a relationship, it takes you away. Because when you’re gone, people are just like “fuck. He’s not around. I wish he was here”. Like you’re not supposed to love anyone else! We’re not good enough for you? You need to go outside of us?! 

We know everything about each other. Every fucking gritty detail. Which is kind of weird, but we all live two feet away from each other: we see girls go back from the Jug with guys, we see girls leave rooms, and we even hear each other have sex at night. We also INEVITABLY walk in on each other masturbating. Even though people announce it like “don’t come in I’m jerking off”. It’s hilarious cuz you’re in such a vulnerable position – pants around your ankles, dick in hand, it’s just YOU. It’s so private, but so fucking funny. 

Masturbation is a super funny thing that everyone does. I remember the first time I discovered it. I was twelve and I was watching MTV2’s Hip Hop Honeys. And when it happened I was like “DAMN. This went down!” And I called my best friend Sean – I actually did! – I was like “yo, you’re never gonna believe what happened…” and we had a fuckin’ laugh about it. 

 Penises are such a stupid tool that we have. They’re just so elementary in every way. I feel like it’s a stupid man’s tool because guys are stupid animals. Especially during sex, we’re just stupid drunk animals humping other people. 

I’ve been in relationships and having sober sex is awesome, but that just doesn’t happen here. The best sex I’ve had has been in relationships, no question. Whereas going out and to the Jug and finding someone to have sex with is like… I’m alone and I don’t want to be alone tonight. 

Which isn’t to say that anonymous ass sex doesn’t have its perks as well. A new person, a new attitude, new everything. I’m usually really goofy, like not serious about the whole thing just to make everyone comfortable and have fun. I also never really 

got into the whole protection thing. I guess it sucks to be that guy, but I’ve never had any issues. 

Being in a frat makes it really easy to meet girls: they just show up at your house. No effort needed. I don’t even try. There are guys in my fraternity who have been around the block so much that they CANNOT find sexual partners anymore! Girls don’t want to touch them! It’s really just comical: how are you 22 and you’ve exhausted your options at a school of 2800 people? That’s RIDICULOUS! It’s all part of this frat star conquistador attitude where you have to conquer. It’s kind of gross! But it’s there for sure. So sex is a big part of it, but it also involves shitting on other frats. Well it’s like… what sorority girls are liking which fraternity at this time. You know, where the girls go. That’s talk for sure. 

This is anonymous right? Completely anonymous? Ok, good. Cuz this is just fucked up. 

The thing is there are good people in every group, but every group gets stereotyped. That’s the evil, you know? 

So you have your first “group of girls” that brothers are NOTORIOUS for slobbing on. They’re your prissy girls who you want to wife up. Then you have your “group” of nice girls who also like to get rowdy and drink a lot. Then you have the “group” that’s like: get rowdy, bring cocaine, and will probably fuck. And you have the “group” of girls nobody even thinks about. 

There’s even a stereotype about what’s attractive here. The classic look is blonde, thin, wears skirts and dresses, has fuckin’ stupid designer shit on, and wears rain boots every time there’s a fuckin’ cloud in the sky. It’s dumb. But a brother gets shat on if he gets with a girl who isn’t considered attractive or who doesn’t like to drink and get fucked up and dance on tables. So he either has to be like “fuck you, I’m still gonna do it” or he’ll actually get shamed into not seeing these girls again. Which just sucks for everyone. No one feels good at that point. 

Monogamy is frowned upon. Emotions are frowned upon. Guys get shat on just for having an emotional connection to someone they’ve slept with. 

I have to believe that these guys will grow up to be fathers and husbands so this has to stop at a certain point. For a lot of people, Colgate is not real life. Real life starts when you graduate, that’s how a lot of people think here. But the problem is: it IS our real life right now and we take with us whatever happens. It’s not left here. 

I feel like a lot of people are just looking for a connection. Even if it’s just a temporary relief from… the loneliness of life. It’s at least something you know? 

Fuck, you’re making me miss being in a relationship. 

Fuck. 

There’s something about just being held… just realizing that you’re two bodies and that’s it. That’s all you have. 

This was all new to me, this male driven culture. Totally new to me. I never thought about sex in anything but a loving manner before I got here. I’m still not sure if what we do here is a good or a bad thing. I’m still not really sure! Cuz it’s fun… but is it fulfilling? I don’t know… 

This probably isn’t the way we were supposed to be treating each other.

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Written by unknown, found in the 2016 script