Ode to the Jug

[a series of four scenes with four identities] 

Actor 1 

Lesbians are not sexy. 

I mean, I obviously think lesbians are sexy. What I’m saying is… WHY do men think lesbians are sexy?! 

I don’t buy the whole “appreciating us” bullshit. We’re not here for your viewing pleasure. Lesbians are sexy to straight men because they still think they have a fucking chance with us. They like to think it’s some masculine achievement to convince a gay girl that she’s not gay. I have a friend who isn’t remotely attracted to men, but she would go to the Jug freshman year and leave with a guy every time because it was “just easier that way.” Because they would hound her until she’d rather sleep with them than keep telling her no. Because men only respect the term “lesbian” when it’s a category on PornHub. 

And don’t get me wrong, that never happens to me because I’m not the ‘type’ of lesbian they’re interested in. Men like the princesses, with the long blonde hair and acrylic nails, the ones who will tell you no when you grind on them but in a polite way, with a look in their eyes that they secretly liked it. Or at least that’s how they see it. 

My best friend freshman year hit on me for a month before I came out to him. He didn’t take it hard or anything but the moment I became “a lesbian” in his eyes he felt he could ask me literally anything no matter how far over the line it was. I became more of a commodity than a friend. One month into us talking he asked me how lesbians trim their pubes. Just out of the blue. Like, dude, that’s not my job to teach you! And why do you wanna know that in the first place?! It’s not like you’re ever going to fucking see it. 

My girlfriend and I stopped to kiss for a second one night behind Drake and a bunch of guys, hidden in the shadows of the truck loading bay area, threw a beer bottle at us. So what is it, guys? Am I sexy or am I a target? Or am I a fucking person. 

I just wish we would talk about it. Too many Colgate students think that queer people are treated with respect and support here when we’re not. It’s not enough to just say you don’t care if people are gay, you have to support your gay friends and stand up for them. Just because this is a liberal arts school, doesn’t mean it’s liberal. 

Just stand up for us. Please. Especially in a place like the Jug, because the Jug, well… Actor 2 

The jug fucking sucks! I can’t afford to pay ten dollars thrice a week to go find people to fuck. I want to do college too! I want to be able to find people to hook up with, without having to work twenty hours a week to be able to afford it. All these one percent-ers in their Canada Goose and Lululemon ensembles keep stealing each others’ coats but it’s fucking lonely here if you can’t afford company. And don’t even get me started on the seven dollar drinks…. 

Actor 3 

The Jug. Ten to twelve actors on stage, dancing. Actor runs on center stage: Twenty shots on me! (Actors cheer and flock to the bar) 

Actor 4 

I want to do college too! I want to make out with a guy at the Jug whose name I can’t remember and get dragged away by my girlfriends and leave without getting a number but see him in the Coop the next day and make eye contact and THEN get his number and then go on a few dates and fall in love and move to the city together! You know? 

It sounds crazy, but I want to go out and hook up with someone I don’t know. 

I mean that’s a gay guy’s dream here. Because there’s no one we don’t know. I can count on one hand how many available queer men there are on this campus, and I can promise you I’ve already had awkward Grindr hookups with at least 80% of them. And that last group is probably out of my league. 

My friends are supportive, they want me to find someone too, but what are they gonna do that I haven’t already tried? I had a friend last week tell me that she knows a super cute gay guy she could introduce me to back home in CONNECTICUT. Like girl… thanks for the effort. 

It’s just… fucking lonely here. I go out with my friends and they all have projects. Some 

are in relationships, some have a crush they plan on seeing downtown, and even if they don’t they can find someone to flirt with and warm up to no matter where we go. And me? 

I watch. Or I sit on my phone. Or I walk home alone. 

And then you have to think, is it me? No matter how many times you crunch the numbers, no matter how many ways you convince yourself that there just aren’t that many queer guys on campus, you still think… maybe I’m just not catching anyone’s eye. 

I don’t go to the Jug anymore because there’s nothing for me there. If I make a move then I find out they’re not into men and if I wait for someone else to make a move on me well… no one does. 

It sucks to be gay here. That’s why we go to Syracuse. 

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Written by unknown, found in the 2020 script