Pleasure Party

[monologue] 

I’m tired. I’m tired all the time. I’m 21 and I’m tired already. How can I...? I can’t. I quit. I can’t. 

Can I tell you a secret? The times I’ve felt best about myself are when I get attention from a guy- which I KNOW is terrible. I mean my brain is shocked! It immediately goes into, “You don’t need validation from men”, “You are beautiful no matter what”, “You are wonderful and rare and there is no one else like you,” mode and yeah yeah yeah I get it but it’s SO hard! And all for what? What is this grand pay off? It could all be bullshit! But sometimes I need that. And I really want to get to a place where I don’t. So I’m trying... but it’s hard. 

You know, that’s probably why I haven’t had an incredibly pleasurable sexual experience yet. Like I’m talking about an out of this world, everyone’s feeling so good about themselves, and each other, and there are millions of orgasms everywhere kind of pleasure. Like a pleasure party! Haven’t had one of those – and this is coming from someone who loooves sex. In high school it was, “Oh my god are we gonna get in trouble? Is that the sound of my garage door opening?” College happened and now it’s, “What’s he think? Is he judging me? Is my roommate gonna wake up?”, and there’s always the classic, “Is this right? Do I look fat from this angle? Where exactly is my g-spot...?” 

It has to get better after this. It has to. Otherwise, I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

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Written by unknown, found in the 2020 script