Queering Vagina Monologues

[monologue, contrast with Dicktations and Vagographies] 

(emerging between two groups as they exit stage) 

(taking time center stage, as though getting comfortable) 

She would wear knee length stilettos. A butterfly clip in her hair and a t-shirt that says “I’m not going anywhere”. 

My vagina would say... it wouldn’t say anything. It would sing. 

My vagina likes all music. Except country. It shrinks back when it hears country cuz it knows the hicks are comin’. 

My vagina used to have a name. I named it after my first crush. (pause) Luke. My vagina is a flamboyant character, like myself, and it wants to feel beautiful. (pause) 

It’s a cycle. The day that I fix my face – I don’t call it shaving, that sounds so masculine – that day I’m fierce, I’m feeling it, I can do anything. The second, maybe third day, my face is starting to grow back but I’m still kinda feelin’ it. Then after that... forget about it. 

If my vagina could travel, it would go on tour. It would give lectures and hold book signings and appear in movies and ROCK the runway. Then at the end of the day – because it could accomplish all of this in a day, as my vagina is a bit of a superhero – it would come back, cuddle up with a hot cup of tea and think “I wonder what we’ll do tomorrow”... 

(pause) 

I came to this realization recently. It was windy, my hair was wet and I thought “fuck it, I’m gonna let it dry out”. So I let my hair down. 

I have a hard time feeling more beautiful than I felt in that moment. I felt so free. So... pretty. I suddenly realized that ugly is a state of mind. And to be beautiful is to be strong. To say “I’m going to like myself, even if I feel like shit. I’m going to be fabulous, 

and they are going to eat it”.

I have days when I can do that. But I have a lot more ugly days. 

Today’s an ugly day. Today I look at myself and think, “Honey you’re never gonna make it work.” 

My vagina would apologize for this year. It would FORMALLY apologize because this year has been a shit show. Dealing with drama, dealing with normal college student stress, dealing with guys, dealing with girls, dealing with having to come out every single day. 

Even though I’ve been out for a year, dealing with the time I tried to kill myself, and yet... this semester has been some of the most fun I’ve ever had. Because my vagina has kept reminding me that it gets better with time. Some things don’t get better. Some things get worse. But there’s a whole world out there waiting for me to explore. And it’s fucking scary but... it’s worth it. 

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Written by unknown, found in the 2020 script