Queering Vagine Monologues

1: She would wear knee-length stilettos. A butterfly clip in her hair and a t-shirt 

that says “I’m not going anywhere.”

My vagina would say… 

2: It wouldn’t say anything. 

1: It would sing! 

My vagina likes all music. 

2: Except opera. It shrinks back when it hears opera cuz it knows the snobs are 

coming. 

1: My vagina used to have a name. I named it after my first crush.

2: Luke?

1: My vagina is a flamboyant character, like myself, and it wants to feel beautiful. 

(pause) 

1: It’s a cycle. The day that I fix my face - 

2: I don’t call it shaving, that sounds so masculine - 

1: That day I’m fierce. I’m feeling it, I can do anything. The second, maybe third 

day…

2: Your face is really starting to grow back. 

1: But I’m still kinda feeling it! Then after that… 

2: Forget about it. 

1: If my vagina could travel, it would go on tour. It would give lectures and hold 

book signings and appear in movies and ROCK the runway. Then at the end of the day - 

2: Yeah because it would accomplish all of this in a day as it’s a bit of a superhero

1: It would come back, cuddle up with a hot cup of tea and think “I wonder what 

we’ll do tomorrow”... 

(pause)

1: I came to this realization recently. It was windy, my hair was wet and I thought 

“fuck it, I’m gonna let it dry out”. So I let my hair down. 

I have a hard time feeling more beautiful than I felt in that moment. I felt so free. 

So… pretty. I suddenly realized that ugly is a state of mind. And to be beautiful is to be strong. To say “I’m going to like myself… 

2: Even if you feel like shit...

1: I’m going to feel fabulous, and they are going to eat it!” 

2: I have days when I can do that. But I have a lot more ugly days. Today’s an ugly 

day. Today I look at myself and think… “Honey, you’re never gonna make it work.” My vagina would apologize for this year. It would FORMALLY apologize

because this year has been… a shit show. 

1: Dealing with drama

2: Dealing with normal college student stress 

1: Dealing with guys

2: Dealing with girls

1: Dealing with having to come out every single fucking day.

2: Even though I’ve been out for a year, and dealing with the time I tried to kill 

myself, and yet... this semester has been some of the most fun I’ve ever had. 

Because my vagina has kept reminding me that it gets better with time. 

1: Some things don’t get better. 

2: Some things get worse. 

1: But there’s a whole world out there waiting for me to explore. And it’s fucking 

scary but... 

1+2: It’s worth it.

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Written by unknown, edited by Parna Shakouri '23