The Sexy

[monologue] 

High school I did nothing but study. I was completely anti-social. Scared of men, everything. When I came to college, I brought that with me. I actually made a pact with myself, it went something like: do not make friends, only study, endure your 4 years here, and get out. 

You’d never guess that looking at me now, right? 

As a second semester senior, I’m nothing like that girl. If she saw me now? She’d probably have a heart attack. See, you can’t really know me unless you know where I came from. 

I grew up sleeping on a mattress on the floor in a family that had a hard time feeding us. Now we can pay the bills and buy well, we can eat. So it’s better. My mom still never buys anything for herself. Honestly she could be a billionaire and I wouldn’t even know it because she saves all her money to spend on us. My dad? He likes to get shit faced and comes home at 3 in the morning. That’s the earliest memory I have of him, and also the most recent. He doesn’t want to make the effort? Fine. Neither will I. 

Reciprocation and communication. That’s why my family failed. Don’t show emotion, endure, and work: that’s the mindset we were all stuck in. 

Freshman year second semester I met a senior guy and somehow we started dating. He took me to parties, I met his friends – he straight up told me I had to be more social. He was a senior, I was a freshman, I wasn’t about to say no. 

At the time I had no idea what to expect out of a relationship. He’d point out other girls and ask me why I didn’t look like them, and so I learned how to put on makeup. Then he’d tell me to erase it and not bother. It looked like shit, he would say. I lost 30 pounds that year – not because of him, I was really busy with school and clubs and stuff – but I never once felt good about my body. 

Not all men are like him. Or like my dad. I don’t hate men because of them. I’m very reasonable and there’s definitely no way everyone in this world is like them. Absolutely no way. 

I’ve grown a lot since that. I’ve mainly realized that this this is not where the sexy is. This is just a shell – maybe it is maybe it isn’t what you would consider sexy – but stay a while, dig a little deeper, get to know me – I dare you – I swear you’re gonna fucking love me. You see, the sexy is the prize. Cuz I didn’t get this far by having a vagina. I got to where I am because I’m strong, I’m driven, and everything I’ve gotten, everything I’ve done to this point, I’ve done it all myself. 

So you see, my freshman self who was afraid of the world, who was scared of people, who kept her mouth shut at all costs, she would not recognize me now. 

But I think she could definitely learn a thing or two.

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Written by unknown, found in the 2016 script