You Can Use This As A Manual

(A Guide To Hooking Up At Colgate And Having The Most Fun With The Least Disappointment But Also Being Realistic With Yourself) 

[two presenters] 

(presenters slowly emerge from behind blank screen) 

1: It’s a conversation I always have with my friends. If you were a fly on the wall in our sorority, we’re always talking about either vaginas or guys. 

2: Hooking up at this school can be a lot of fun… If you do it right. 

1: We’ve put together a simple guide for surviving the hookup scene. These are rules that we’ve figured out through years of trial and tribulation. 

2: So, without further ado, we present to you: “A Guide To Hooking Up At Colgate And Having The Most Fun With The Least Disappointment But Also Being Realistic With Yourself!” Presented by [name] 

1: And [name]! 

(slides change as presenters announce each rule) 

2: Rule Number 1: Stop looking for a boyfriend. A lot of girls here are looking for guys that will date them. 

1: Stop it! 

2: Things will turn out poorly, and you will be sad. 

1: Rule Number 2: Understand that what we do at Colgate is not normal. This is how bases work around here: 

2: First base is sleeping together. 

1: Second base is breakfast. 

2: Third base is dinner. 

1: And fourth base is… 

2: Walking across the quad or Broad Street holding hands. 

1: Rule Number 3: Know how far you want to go and when. 

2: Especially as a freshman, you never know what other people are doing and what’s ‘acceptable’. 

1: Am I supposed to sleep with a guy if I go home with him? If I hook up with an older guy will he expect sex? 

2: Bottom line: You should do what you want cuz you have no idea what he’s expecting. If I want to have sex, I do. If I don’t want to have sex, I don’t. If that’s not ok with him… 

1 and 2: Too bad! 

1: Rule Number 4: Expect respect. Here are some signs: 

2: If he just leaves in the morning, doesn’t text, doesn’t ever try to initiate sober conversation, maybe I’ll drunkenly make out with him again… but we will not be having sex. 

1: But if he’s really nice in the morning, gets my number, texts me, we meet up the next day, or hang out sober, that bodes well. I feel like I’m being treated as a person and not 

2: (interrupting) a slam piece. 

1: Rule Number 5: Make sure the sex is good for you and not just for him. 

2: At first, it can be hard to say cuz you don’t want to hurt his pride. But it’s really all about phrasing it the right way. 

1: Normally, if he IS doing something right I give verbal cues – you know, some sounds of approval. [name] will demonstrate: 

2: No I will not. (smile) 

1: If he finishes and I don’t I’ll be like, “Oh, I was really close... I was almost there...” 2: Translation: Don’t feel bad about yourself it was fine but... not quite. He’ll usually get 

the hint. 

1: Rule Number 6: Communication. 

2: This is big. Huge. You could be looking for totally different things and not even know it. One person could be like “YES FINALLY, I’ve had a crush on you forever” and the other person could be like 

1: “Uhhh, what’s your name again?” 

2: You never know unless you talk. 

1: Rule Number 7: Having good self-esteem is about perspective. 

2: There’s this mentality that if you don’t hook up with someone, the night is a failure. If you have BAD self-esteem, you’ll think “I’m not hot, no one wants to hook up with me”. 

1: If you have GOOD self-esteem, you’ll think, “There is no one on this campus who I want to hook up with tonight.” 

2: Even when you DO hook up, guys can be assholes. There’s this younger guy I drunkenly hooked up with. Three times I hooked up with him. Three times he ignored my existence the next day. After the third time I’m like, “Note to black out self: never hook up with him again.” Three strikes and you’re out. 

1: It’s exactly what’s wrong with frat boys here. He’s younger, 

2: He’s not hot, 

1: and he’s acting like this! It’s messed up! But instead of taking it personally, I took it as, there’s something wrong with him, not something wrong with me. See? Perspective. 

2: Rule Number 8: This advice is not relevant to everyone. 

1: We’re straight 

2: (interrupting) well… 

1: and in a sorority. We talk about frat culture because that’s our social circle. 39

2: In fact, I think the only guys I’ve hooked up were in frats or some sort of male... organization. 

1: In these circles, guys definitely have the upper hand. 

2: And let’s be honest, our campus is still very male-dominated. Look at our administration, look at our board of trustees, look at who has the power and who has the final say at this school. Look at where the money is. 

1: Women need to have more power. 

2: Which brings us to our final point: LADIES. Be nice to each other. 

1: We can take back some of that power if we stop calling each other sluts and start asking why we were taught to use that as an insult. Sometimes we judge each other harder than men do. That’s not helpful. 

2: Really. Stop calling each other sluts. 

1: It takes a certain kind of person to navigate the hook up scene at this school. 2: It took us a while… 

1: But I think we finally figured it out. 

2: No more games. People can think what they want. 

1: So I guess all that’s left to say is… 

1 and 2: Good luck!

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Written by unknown, found in the 2020 script